Quantcast

Eight Ways to Handle Morning Wood like a Champ!

Morning Wood

Wikipedia defines Morning wood as: is a colloquialism referring to the phenomenon of penile erection following sleep, related to nocturnal penile tumescence.

As all men know, morning wood is fun for the ladies but a nightmare for that oh-so-important A.M. pee. Every morning, gents around the world wake up to this catch-22; you desperately have to pee, but you have a boner, which makes it impossible to pee, but the hard-on won’t go away until you empty your bladder. It’s almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing straight at the ceiling, so you end up peeing all over the bathroom and nobody wants that. So here are eight specially designed moves to ensure you get it all in the bowl and your girlfriend doesn’t kill you for hosing down her new bathroom towels.

The Superman

If you’re a man of steel in the morning, you might as well be a superhero. Tie on the bedsheet for a cape, mount the bowl in a single bound, and make like you’re flying. Hopefully the pressure relief will be like Kryptonite for your boner.

Strong Arming

This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.

The Lunge

If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.

Downward Dog

This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and – if someone walks in on you – potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until you’re touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl – you don’t want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.
Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.

The Plank

Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.

The Girly Man aka BUCK

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don’t pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesn’t make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say it’s so long you can’t keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.

Leg Up

It’s not uncommon to have an erection that curves to one side or the other. If yours does this, you’ll need to compensate accordingly. Use the bathroom walls to brace yourself as you balance on one foot and tilt your body until your curve is pointing down toward the toilet bowl. You might want to install a grab bar by the toilet if you do this regularly.

The Flying Wallenda


If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury.

3 Responses to “Eight Ways to Handle Morning Wood like a Champ!”

  1. Ludwig says:

    Absolutely hilarious. Personally, I’m a fan of the plank.

  2. supermegapixel says:

    awesome!

  3. john says:

    You should have demonstrated these in person….

Leave a Reply

*

PKMN Company Store

Print Killer Store

Sponsors

InstaBabe of the Day!

Today's InstaBabe of the Day is Ashlyn Coray!!!!!! If you want to be considered for InstaBabe of the day, follow PrintKiller on Instagram!
  • Boating with babe and his fam today ?☀️⚓️⛵️ Me and the little sis ? @elainerubiomarie @stephxmasbabe @rubioryan
    16 hours ago by ashlyncoray Boating with babe and his fam today ?☀️⚓️⛵️ Me and the little sis ? @elainerubiomarie @stephxmasbabe @rubioryan
  • @geaphoto @amiclubwear ?
    2 days ago by ashlyncoray @geaphoto @amiclubwear ?
  • Happy Anniversary ❤️ @rubioryan
    2 days ago by ashlyncoray Happy Anniversary ❤️ @rubioryan
  • 3 days ago by ashlyncoray "Find someone who traces the lines in you hands just to feel close to you, and someone who believes the ocean is trapped in your eyes. Find someone who loves the bones in your body and loves the skin that you live in. Find someone who will help you love yourself." I did ❤️ @rubioryan
  • #tgif @geaphoto @amiclubwear
    5 days ago by ashlyncoray #tgif @geaphoto @amiclubwear
  • I have a lot to be happy about right now ?? #thankful ?
    7 days ago by ashlyncoray I have a lot to be happy about right now ?? #thankful ?
  • Rise and Shine 
photo @badboi
styling @jessicafang 
MUA @makeupbytorr
    1 week ago by ashlyncoray Rise and Shine photo @badboi styling @jessicafang MUA @makeupbytorr
  • ☁️⚡️
    1 week ago by ashlyncoray ☁️⚡️
  • Breaking in my beautiful crochet bikini and being super comfy thanks to @sand_cloud and @byounique ?☀️? Celebrating @victorialynne_ 21st birthday ?
    1 week ago by ashlyncoray Breaking in my beautiful crochet bikini and being super comfy thanks to @sand_cloud and @byounique ?☀️? Celebrating @victorialynne_ 21st birthday ?
  • my sweeeet love ? @alygilbert
    1 week ago by ashlyncoray my sweeeet love ? @alygilbert
  • Fitness Fridays with @j_escueta @legendaryfitco #ff #tgif
    2 weeks ago by ashlyncoray Fitness Fridays with @j_escueta @legendaryfitco #ff #tgif
  • ??
    2 weeks ago by ashlyncoray ??
  • Taking a break with @j_escueta in @legendaryfitco ???
    2 weeks ago by ashlyncoray Taking a break with @j_escueta in @legendaryfitco ???
  • @j_escueta @legendaryfitco ?
    2 weeks ago by ashlyncoray @j_escueta @legendaryfitco ?

Instagramer of the Day!

Today's Instagramer of the Day is Surf Photog - Evan Yamashiro!!! If you want to be considered for Instagramer of the day, follow PrintKiller on Instagram!
  • Throw back to Julian Wilson's ( @julian_wilson ) crazy wipeout at Pipeline @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    2 days ago by evanyamashiro Throw back to Julian Wilson's ( @julian_wilson ) crazy wipeout at Pipeline @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Molokai so pure and untouched @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    5 days ago by evanyamashiro Molokai so pure and untouched @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Yew! Finally came in. Now I can take my camera equipment anywhere and not have to worry about it getting crushes or wet when it rains! @pelicanproducts
    7 days ago by evanyamashiro Yew! Finally came in. Now I can take my camera equipment anywhere and not have to worry about it getting crushes or wet when it rains! @pelicanproducts
  • This photo and a lot of other photos from this past winters crazy consistent and perfect swell will be on a website that I will announce when everything is all set up! So stoked and I can see my future heading into a good direction.
    1 week ago by evanyamashiro This photo and a lot of other photos from this past winters crazy consistent and perfect swell will be on a website that I will announce when everything is all set up! So stoked and I can see my future heading into a good direction.
  • North Shore Lifeguards ( @northshorelifeguardassociation ) always there for anyone out in the water. Mahalo for all that you guys do! @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    1 week ago by evanyamashiro North Shore Lifeguards ( @northshorelifeguardassociation ) always there for anyone out in the water. Mahalo for all that you guys do! @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Contest collaboration with HVN Apparel. Repost this photo and follow @HVNApparel @EvanYamashiro and tag #HVNSummer and you have a chance to win a HVN Shirt or hat and a 12X16 print of your choice by me. 1 winner will be picked on July 31st. Good luck!
    2 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Contest collaboration with HVN Apparel. Repost this photo and follow @HVNApparel @EvanYamashiro and tag #HVNSummer and you have a chance to win a HVN Shirt or hat and a 12X16 print of your choice by me. 1 winner will be picked on July 31st. Good luck!
  • Good times @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    2 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Good times @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Nothing's worse then murky water. A Honu just chilling out @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    2 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Nothing's worse then murky water. A Honu just chilling out @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #DaFin #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Da Fins ( @dafinhi ) the best most comfortable fins! If your looking for a pair of fins, definitely look into Da fins. Da fins under the night sky on Sunset Beach on the North Shore of Oahu @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    2 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Da Fins ( @dafinhi ) the best most comfortable fins! If your looking for a pair of fins, definitely look into Da fins. Da fins under the night sky on Sunset Beach on the North Shore of Oahu @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Good weekend with the boys. Sunset Beach @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    2 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Good weekend with the boys. Sunset Beach @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    3 weeks ago by evanyamashiro @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    3 weeks ago by evanyamashiro @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Another day in Paradise @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    3 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Another day in Paradise @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    4 weeks ago by evanyamashiro @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
  • Small day @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA  @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley  #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii
    4 weeks ago by evanyamashiro Small day @HVNApparel @Volcom @VolcomSurf @RVCASurf @RVCA @Billabong @RedBull @RedBull_Surfing @MonsterEnergy @BillabongUSA @Waiolalife @Hurley @Vertra @Nectar @Nixon_Now #NectarShades #TheSweetLife #EvanYamashiro #LiveOlley #TheBillabongDaily #Unrealhawaii #Paradise #hiig #Waiolalife #Hawaii

InstaLame of the Day!

Today's InstaLame of the Day is Scott for Florida - Governor Rick Scott Got Us Nationally Embarrassed Again. This Time On John Oliver's Show Last Week Tonight. See The Clip In The Print Killer News Feed!!! !!! If you know someone who is InstaLame tag us in their comments @PrintKiller on Instagram!
  • This little cutie loves Rick Scott!
    18 hours ago by scottforflorida This little cutie loves Rick Scott!
  • Grateful for every volunteer! #letskeepworking
    5 days ago by scottforflorida Grateful for every volunteer! #letskeepworking
  • Throwback Thursday: I love my beautiful wife. –RS #tbt
    6 days ago by scottforflorida Throwback Thursday: I love my beautiful wife. –RS #tbt
  • It's always a privilege to honor America's heroes.
    7 days ago by scottforflorida It's always a privilege to honor America's heroes.
  • Met some wonderful supporters yesterday at La Pequena Columbia in Tampa.
    1 week ago by scottforflorida Met some wonderful supporters yesterday at La Pequena Columbia in Tampa.
  • What a great weekend spending time with Ann and Auguste. He’s growing up fast! -RS
    1 week ago by scottforflorida What a great weekend spending time with Ann and Auguste. He’s growing up fast! -RS
  • Volunteer #selfie! #letskeepworking
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida Volunteer #selfie! #letskeepworking
  • Throwback Thursday: Auguste and Quinton are growing up so fast! #tbt
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida Throwback Thursday: Auguste and Quinton are growing up so fast! #tbt
  • Ribbon cutting time at The Villages this past Friday for Gov. Scott’s Lake Sumter Landing office.
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida Ribbon cutting time at The Villages this past Friday for Gov. Scott’s Lake Sumter Landing office.
  • Gov. Scott joined our volunteers at The Villages to make some calls to Florida voters! #sayfie
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida Gov. Scott joined our volunteers at The Villages to make some calls to Florida voters! #sayfie
  • It was a pleasure to meet Dale Earnhardt Jr. and all the other drivers and crew members at the #CokeZero400. #sayfie
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida It was a pleasure to meet Dale Earnhardt Jr. and all the other drivers and crew members at the #CokeZero400. #sayfie
  • We have the best volunteers! Thank you all for your dedication and hard work. #letskeepworking #sayfie
    2 weeks ago by scottforflorida We have the best volunteers! Thank you all for your dedication and hard work. #letskeepworking #sayfie
  • Throwback Thursday: Can you spot Governor Scott? #tbt #navy #sayfie
    3 weeks ago by scottforflorida Throwback Thursday: Can you spot Governor Scott? #tbt #navy #sayfie
  • Throwback to all the great days in June. #tbt#sayfie
    3 weeks ago by scottforflorida Throwback to all the great days in June. #tbt#sayfie
  • “We want to make Florida the best place for every Floridian to live the American dream.
    3 weeks ago by scottforflorida “We want to make Florida the best place for every Floridian to live the American dream." -RS

Sponsors

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers